Ms Cyprah

Q. My husband recently began to talk to a work colleague on his mobile phone where I saw three calls registered. I did ask him not to talk to her when I first met her. He has acknowledged talking to her, but should I ask questions to find out what they have been talking about? Or should I leave it be since I know that this will cause a huge argument?

A. The biggest killers of many relationships are a lack trust, jealousy and a lack of space. Many wives do not realise that the more they watch a spouse, question him and want to know about the routine things he does, is the more unattractive they appear, the more claustrophobic the relationship becomes and the quicker they send him into the arms of someone else.

Many partners do not also appreciate that they cannot be all things to their spouses who need stimulation, perhaps intellectual, leisure or otherwise, from others. If couples love one another and trust one another there is no need to spy on one another. Problems begin when there has not been much attention and appreciation between couples and suddenly one partner seems to be giving that attention somewhere else. It is easy to demand that a partner stop such connections but much harder to make it stick because something could be missing from the home and the action will merely be repeated quietly later on because the real cause is not being addressed.

Instead of asking any questions, let it be and begin to review your parts in the relationship. Could you do more things together? When did you last praise him? Or he praise you? When did you last send gifts to one another, play silly games, have a night of wild passionate love? What I am trying to say is that many relationships die of sheer boredom, of taking each other for granted and doing the same old things all the time. Along comes a person who seems exciting, who makes the partner feel relaxed and different and whammo! Problems afoot. But focusing on that person will not make the problems go away, if there are any. He will just switch to someone else down the line because you would be focusing on the symptoms, not the causes, whatever they are.

He has been open about talking to her. He hasn’t hidden it. Furthermore, she is a work colleague and they could be talking about anything on earth. Over to you now to have the courage to examine what could be missing between you by having some communication with him and start focusing on you both. It is easy to start blaming others for things going wrong, but the third party is never important. It really is about the two of you and what you wish for your relationship. You cannot afford for him to see you as unattractive (you mentioned him getting ‘an earful’). If that is all he has to look forward to, he will look elsewhere. Once attraction goes, it cannot be manufactured and often couples concentrate on the negatives instead of simply loving and valuing their partners.

Look at it realistically: So he answers all your questions and tells you what they have been talking about and you’re still not happy? What then? You cannot curtail his movements like a child and you will only make the situation worse with your negative stance. I would ask him just one question: “When can we go away for a wild weekend together? We need some time to ourselves, just do something different, don’t you think?” Then also have a long chat on that weekend to see how you both can get more from the relationship and build it from there. Otherwise any other negative action will merely leave you feeling stressed, anxious, vulnerable and very insecure as you cannot watch him 24/7 and he might simply retreat from you to avoid the confrontations.