Ms Cyprah

How controlling can lead to abuse

Q. Me and my partner have been together 5 years and in that time I have lost all but a couple of my freinds. If my friends come around my partner is rude and arrogant and usually ignores them and goes into the room and watches TV. If he is drinking he will talk to them but be cruel and immature. If we get invited places he walks in like he has a chip on his shoulder and acts like he can’t wait to get out and is sometimes aggressive towards people. I dont know if it’s too late but should I try and see my friends without him? Should I go to places without him? He just likes to have our life at home and thats it!

A.This is a very sad state of affairs which you would need to act upon if you wish anything different as he won’t do anything about it. Your partner is a controller and the only way he can control you is by ignoring your friends and treating them discourteously so that they will stay away from you. That is the strongest form of emotional abuse. Controllers do not like their partners to have outside contacts, not even their relatives, as it lessens their power. They tend to be lacking in social skills, are rather boorish to others and do just what they please, without thinking of the effect on their partners or the other person. The only people they care about are themselves. Your partner also sounds very insecure and seems to fear the effect your friends would have on you. So by behaving badly to them, he immediately lessens their influence and keeps you to himself to make you dependent on him and to restrict your activities.

Sadly, the answer is entirely up to you, as your partner will never change. You have allowed him to do what he pleases for so long, you have lost out completely. He has got the results he wanted because you are now increasingly isolated, which is precisely what he planned. So you have to now decide if that is the type and quality of life you wish to lead. One of the top five factors for keeping us alive longest is our social interactions and the friends we have. In fact, it is No.2 on the list, a vital ingredient of the quality of our lives. If you ignore your friends, or gradually have no friends, it will begin to cause stress for you which you might not even be aware of. Not only that, it totally limits your life experience.

Once you make your decision on the kind of life you really want, then act upon it. If you decide your friends are important, then you must see them, with or without your partner. It is very important to get on with your life in your own way as a unique human being for your own personal development. If you have to change yourself and your basic needs to please another person, he would be the wrong person for you. Those who love you will accept who you are, as you are and, most important, the things and people you value and cherish. They will encourage you in your efforts, not try to limit your world and life.

Please do something soon before you find yourself completely at your partner’s mercy because that is when physical abuse begins: when people lack support and friendship and become completely dependent on their partner for interaction. That is no way to live. It would merely deprive you of essential stimulus and keep you living in fear. Start by getting a couple of key friends on your side who could give you emotional support. Start seeing them at least once a week for coffee, drinks or whatever, to get you away from your partner. Gradually you will build your courage to do whatever you think is right for your long term relationship or your future.

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