Ms Cyprah

Q. A very good friend suspected that her partner is up to no good. When he had a shower, she looked into his mobile and discovered that he was exchanging saucy picture text messages with some girl. Firstly, do you think its right to touch your partner’s mobile/his things. Secondly, would you forgive him/her?

A. No, not at any time. Just because two people come together in a relationship does not make them clones of each other or make them into a two headed person. They are still individuals deserving of privacy and respect, above all. 


Wherever someone feels the need to search their partner’s things, you will find much distrust, discourtesy, jealousy and insecurity. Yet one cannot be too insecure in a relationship otherwise they gradually become intrusive, interfering, possessive and dictatorial. No one person can ever fulfil everything a partner needs. So the more space couples are given in their relationships to thrive and develop, the better that relationship would be. It allows for breathing room and the person to know that they are not being ’spied upon’. 



So what if he has a few ’saucy’ picture texts? Many women make the mistake of believing that once they marry someone or settle down with them, they can change that person from how they were. But that is pie in the sky hope because marriage or a relationship is not about being a different person, being in a prison or doing things differently. The only new thing required in that relationship are commitment and respect from both partners. If there is full commitment there will be appropriate behaviour between the parties. And if there is respect, there will also be trust, love and appreciation. 



Moreover, would we like someone searching our things behind our back? Once we deny someone else their privacy and respect in a relationship, we are heading for trouble because nothing can survive under possessiveness and insecurity. If you suspect your partner is not being honest, the best thing is communication and discussion, in case something is missing from the partnership. One should always forgive, especially where there has been no direct affair involved. 



More important, a relationship is a two way process. If someone is looking outward, 9 times out of 10, something is missing from the home for that person which is not being addressed. Only facing up to some home truths will change the situation

Q. If I needed a shoulder to cry on, would you give me yours? If I called you at 3 o’clock in the morning to say my little child is sick, would you rush over to help or just tell me to call 911 and hang up?

A. I would like to believe that I am an excellent friend to others, according to my values and efforts, but friendship is not dictated by expectations of what should constitute ‘good’ friendship. The best friendships are unconditional, no expectations, except what the moment or context dictates. It means that each person gets the chance to play to their strengths rather than being expected to do what the other person wants just because they define friendship according to their singular or selfish way.

The best friends accept their friends as they are, warts and all. They do not wish them to be clones or behave in similar ways. There was a lady who I was close to for many years whose friendship broadly consisted of a few calls on the phone and the odd meet-ups to go to the club. One would question what kind of a superficial friendship that might be. But one day, in an emergency trip involving my daughter, she was right there for me. She took the day off and travelled the 12 hours round trip with me, always supportive, always encouraging. Yet ‘closer’ friends were nowhere to be seen at a time when I really needed someone most. That action was such a surprise to me.

That also taught me a valuable lesson: that we must never judge our friends just by our standards otherwise we rob them of their individuality as we tie their friendship to our needs and expectations instead of just letting it flow. When we take people as they are, instead of imposing our expectations, we actually allow them to blossom and help us in their own way, not ours. Friendship is not a competition to see who can do the most as a ‘friend’. Friendship is about value and when we truly value someone we don’t expect them to show why they deserve that value. They just automatically merit it as people.

I am a writer and motivator. I would be there to motivate and encourage you in my own way, and perhaps do it much better than someone who doesn’t have my skills. Whereas another person who is good in a crisis will probably not think anything of being there at 3 am to help. Everyone is different, and by allowing people to be the kind of friend THEY want, not what we want, we will find some fantastic gems in people. A friend shouldn’t have to ‘prove’ anything to us about friendship except simply to be there for us when they feel it is right.