Ms Cyprah

Q. If I needed a shoulder to cry on, would you give me yours? If I called you at 3 o’clock in the morning to say my little child is sick, would you rush over to help or just tell me to call 911 and hang up?

A. I would like to believe that I am an excellent friend to others, according to my values and efforts, but friendship is not dictated by expectations of what should constitute ‘good’ friendship. The best friendships are unconditional, no expectations, except what the moment or context dictates. It means that each person gets the chance to play to their strengths rather than being expected to do what the other person wants just because they define friendship according to their singular or selfish way.

The best friends accept their friends as they are, warts and all. They do not wish them to be clones or behave in similar ways. There was a lady who I was close to for many years whose friendship broadly consisted of a few calls on the phone and the odd meet-ups to go to the club. One would question what kind of a superficial friendship that might be. But one day, in an emergency trip involving my daughter, she was right there for me. She took the day off and travelled the 12 hours round trip with me, always supportive, always encouraging. Yet ‘closer’ friends were nowhere to be seen at a time when I really needed someone most. That action was such a surprise to me.

That also taught me a valuable lesson: that we must never judge our friends just by our standards otherwise we rob them of their individuality as we tie their friendship to our needs and expectations instead of just letting it flow. When we take people as they are, instead of imposing our expectations, we actually allow them to blossom and help us in their own way, not ours. Friendship is not a competition to see who can do the most as a ‘friend’. Friendship is about value and when we truly value someone we don’t expect them to show why they deserve that value. They just automatically merit it as people.

I am a writer and motivator. I would be there to motivate and encourage you in my own way, and perhaps do it much better than someone who doesn’t have my skills. Whereas another person who is good in a crisis will probably not think anything of being there at 3 am to help. Everyone is different, and by allowing people to be the kind of friend THEY want, not what we want, we will find some fantastic gems in people. A friend shouldn’t have to ‘prove’ anything to us about friendship except simply to be there for us when they feel it is right.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS