Ms Cyprah

Dating sites are public companies offering a specific service - to bring people together. They are not very private clubs with stringent membership rules. They are there for any member of the public who wishes to partake of their services. As such, they should aim to offer the same service to everyone, particularly through making participation inclusive. Currently, there are over 7 million users of dating sites in Britain, so any racism in the operations would be significant.

Most dating sites serving the UK have a choice of the colour of a partner. As they are predominantly white in membership, there is a virtual proliferation and promotion of racism against those who are not white, while encouraging them as members too. Yet that offensive choice is not necessary at all because everyone has the opportunity of screening out whom they do not like privately by ignoring certain approaches or politely declining any contacts from unwanted daters.

The worst culprits are Dating Direct (more than half of all males seem to use this option of choosing ‘White/Caucasian’) and the template used by the Times, Guardian and Telegraph dating sites which has the ridiculous anomaly of matching people up at a very high rate, yet without properly acknowledging the colour selected. How can someone wanting a white person match highly with a black person when the very act of being racist in choice would have negated that person from the very beginning?

As a Black woman who would have paid my money to use the service too, I would feel aggrieved to go into a profile which matches highly with me, only to see that the person has put “White/Caucasian” only. How on earth can I be a match for someone who wants a white partner? Surely, as that is an important requirement for some people, once they select that choice, it should make the match either very low or zero. I really cannot be an 84% match for a racist!

We are all entitled to the person of our choice, but in a mixed and diverse society, we have to ensure there is inclusion and fairness. There are three main reasons why such offensive choices are wrong and merely promote racism:

1. Every customer of any dating website deserves the same quality of service because they all pay the same fee to use it. The least one would expect is that they are not insulted by having to read profiles which are clearly exclusive and discriminatory of them. A customer is not being served if they are treated in any kind of offensive way.

2. Allowing people to make racist choices in a public forum belittles the users of that forum who do not match with the majority and treats them in a derogatory way.

3. It encourages racism in a public place, allowing it to be tolerated openly, when it would be against the law n other organisations.

There is no need to actually state a choice for colour on any dating site, unless that site specifically caters for a certain type of daters (like mixed relationships etc.), and that would be most obvious in its promotion and guidelines. Anything else is offensive and discriminatory and merely panders to the worst racism in users.

Q. I like this guy who is my co-employee.. He’s not that good looking, but he’s smart and really sweet to all. Every time he comes to my desk my heart is really happy. I’m afraid of what I really feel for him because it’s been 3 yrs since I haven’t had a boyfriend. My last one left when I was 3 months pregnant and I don’t want to be hurt this time. If I go into a relationship now, I want it to be the last. If I have a relationship this time I would like him to be my husband, who will accept and love my child. Is it okay to say to him that I like him?

A. A question for you: Would you say you were exactly like every other woman out there? If your answer is ‘NO’, why are you judging this new man on the same lines as your ex-boyfriend? Every person is unique and deserves a chance to prove themselves in life before being judged. Secondly, you must move forward from your last relationship and start to think positively, otherwise you will simply get what you expect. For example, if you keep expecting someone to steal from you, they won’t disappoint you in the end! If we expect negative things, that’s all we’ll have too. So move out of your past. That’s gone. Be cautious, by all means, but don’t be paranoid that everyone will want to hurt you.

Life is too short to do nothing about your feelings. You deserve some happiness so, if this guy makes you feel good, just say hello to him without expecting him to marry you! Don’t tell him you like him until you get to know him better. Stop burdening your situation with fearful thoughts of what might happen. You might even die tomorrow, and then? Just take everything in your stride and start a conversation, then let it unfold in front of you. He probably likes you too and just needs an opening, but it also takes time to know someone and their desires. And, if he doesn’t seem to like you the way you like him, no big deal. Someone else will come along soon. Just accept it and wait for Mr Right. If you allow people into your life without pre-judging them, you could be in for some wonderful surprises.

Don’t keep saying what you want from a relationship. That’s how people get hurt by expecting perfection, or expecting people to act to expectations, and human beings do not behave like that. You will just keep getting hurt if you expect only what you want. Just allow any friendship to develop first, then gradually see what happens, or you might frighten guys away by being too intense. The best relationships are not those that we try to control, but those we allow to unfold in their own way. We tend to get what we want not by forcing things, but letting them happen, and often when we least expect it too.