Ms Cyprah

I think it depends on one’s culture and perspective. If one is from a culture where marriage is seen as very important, an essential part of family life, then one would not be able to avoid getting married, otherwise a lot of people would be upset about it and one would feel excluded and rejected. But in the 21st century, where more people are remaining single or living in relationships (like in the UK) than getting married, it seems that an increasing number of people don’t care about marrying anymore and prefer to live together and many of these relationships are working.

In the UK living together has risen by 30% over the past decade, while marriage has declined, in fact to its lowest figure since 1895. It is not such a stigma anymore to live together or to have children out of wedlock, so many people now please themselves in the kind of home they have. For a variety of reasons, more people are forsaking marriages, perhaps because of a lack of commitment, or for the freedom it gives to break apart at any time without worrying about the high cost of divorce. Whatever the reason, it seems to be the trend of the future.

Personally, I was married for 39 years and enjoyed it to a great degree. I liked the security it gave, the sharing and companionship, and the feeling of belonging without having to keep wondering where the relationship is heading. I have also enjoyed my freedom since leaving the marriage and would probably not get married again, all things considered. But, a part of me believes that when we love someone, unless we are prepared to show that commitment, whether for one day or 10 years, we should be married, otherwise what is that love really about?

If I met the right person, and he wanted to get married, I would certainly consider it because it would be lovely to pledge myself to someone I want in my life, for however long it lasts. I do not need a marriage certificate to show me that I love my partner, or vice versa, neither do I need to be married to appreciate the relationship. But a marriage also allows friends and family to share in that joyous occasion by declaring our love publicly, and we are all here for each other, not simply to live in a selfish way. The public pledge together gives a very strong message about how we feel for each other and the commitment we have. So I think being married would certainly give the edge for me, though I appreciate that the choice of not being married rests with the individual.

No one should stay in a bad relationship for four main reasons:

First, whatever you are experiencing in that marriage will make you worse in anxiety, stress and ill health over time. We are not meant to be constantly unhappy. We are here to be happy so that when there is a crisis, we can then react with more confidence and skill. When our bodies are constantly up in adrenalin and negativity, it erodes our capabilities and gradually makes us stressed. Eventually, stress can kill.

Second, a relationship is supposed to make you happy, not sad. Two people do not get together to make each other unhappy, to argue all day long, or to be nasty to each other. The purpose of any relationship is love, affection, communication, respect and enhancing the quality of each other’s lives. By pooling resources, people get a better existence. If your relationship is not serving that purpose, then it is not a relationship at all. It is just two people living together for convenience, and at the expense of each other. That is no way to live.

Third, the longer you stay in that state, the more unhappy you will get, the more you will lose your own ability to love as you gradually get bitter, angry and resentful and the more you will be like your partner. You are not getting the results you desire in the relationship because you are waiting for him to change (as you say ‘he refuses to fix it’). But the only person who can ever change satisfactorily is yourself. No one else. Once you change your behaviour, the other person will change too. Why should he change if you are treating him the same, accepting his attitude and reinforcing that bad behaviour too? There is no payoff for him, in his eyes, so he will just make you promises and keep doing what he has always done, just as you are doing what you have always done too. But in such a situation you will only both keep getting what you’ve always got. Your future matters the most. It is not about him. It is about you and your child, so it is up to YOU to make decisions about your life, whatever the consequences are, and do them. He would have to change too because you wouldn’t be acting the same way anymore!

Finally, the bad relationship you are experiencing will also affect the emotional well being of your child. Your daughter is learning by your actions and is not being exposed to a lot of love just now because kids are more sensitive to parental unhappiness and conflict, no matter how you might try to hide it. It is best to be in a loving situation by yourself than a constantly conflicting one with someone else which your child has to be part of. It will gradually damage her own development too if all she has to see is your unhappiness and his bad behaviour.

If you are unhappy, your mind is trying to tell you something: that you are ready for a new start and a new life. Once you have talked a lot and there is no change, it is time to act. Nothing else will give you what you want except action on your part. We all deserve happiness and if you stay in that relationship, everything will deteriorate around you rapidly because nothing can get better in such a situation. Furthermore, you will merely be fighting against yourself by ignoring your own needs. Leaving a bad marriage takes courage and is certainly not easy to do when one thinks of all the practicalities and where children are involved. But as one who had to leave a bad marriage after 33 years, I can guarantee you that once you make the decision, the doors will open for you and it won’t be half as bad as remaining where you are, believe me.

However, only you can make that decision and in your own time. Good luck in whatever you do, but you will be fine.