Ms Cyprah

Not everyone can be a business person. If we didn’t have people to clear the rubbish, for example, we would all be down with various illnesses within two weeks. However, no matter what the individual aspires to do, make no mistake about it, in any diverse society, there will be a majority group who has the power base and who dictates the standards, mores and identifiable culture already in existence. For the outsider to thrive in such an environment, regardless of their brain power or personal merit, and particularly within the administrative and political systems, they have to be given the access to do so by that majority.

People of African origin, the world over, gravitate towards the caring professions (45% of NHS staff is Black and Asian, yet they make up only 10% of this country) and in the USA, 68% of people serving that country in various administrative posts are African Americans. The trouble with those professions is that they might earn the gratitude of the public but they tend to trap their staff in low paid, low status professions, at the mercy of the government, which lack the opportunity for wealth creation, personal influence or genuine advancement.

With these professions tending to be more glory than substance, particularly when very few Black people make it to the top through persistent discrimination (the UK National Health Service being a classic case in point), and everyone unable to become a business person, the scene is set for gross inequality for those who choose this public service route.

Whatever is happening around us is not by accident. It is easy to blame laws and governments, but it is our individual actions from the lowest to the highest which perpetuate those inequalities. If we, as a nation, are happy to have one section of our community excluded from the opportunity and access which are essential for individual and national growth, primarily on the basis of colour, what is it really saying about us? Is it also any wonder that we remain culturally backward, economically second-rate and trapped in a time warp when so much talent is going to waste? Come to think of it, where is that ‘British Empire’ mentioned on all those regular gongs given out to the public?

No one likes to feel excluded, passed over, ignored and invisible, yet one section of this community is being treated in that manner, except for negative exposure when deemed appropriate, especially associated with crime. At such times, African Caribbeans in Britain are always over-represented. That is why, as I write this, 55% of all Black males in London, 18-24 years old, are out of work. If they were White, there would be a national outcry. But they are not, and every one of those youngsters idling their life away represents our future.

Racism succeeds not through the actual racists or bigots themselves, but because of the silent majority who do nothing about it, or prefer to ignore it, which sends the wrong message about its value and proliferates the very action they apparently abhor. That is why Hitler was able to harm so many minorities (Jews) until the majority decided to act - but only because, eventually, they too were being threatened by his aggressive, immoral actions. And that’s the key to anything which is unjust. Allowed to covertly take root and spread (because it doesn’t affect us all!), injustice inevitably corrupts and engulfs both the good and bad around it.

In the end, it depends on the world we want for ourselves and our children. Whether we want one in which everyone, regardless of gender, colour or creed, has the opportunity and access to thrive, or we prefer a community riddled with racism, bias and nepotism, which only favours the few. The choice is definitely ours, and every single one of our routine actions reinforces that unconscious choice in a consistently corrosive way, without us even realising it.

Q. I wonder if anyone has any great ideas regarding the handling of very serious grieving that has gone on for a long time and has damaged the person? Everyone knows of support groups, therapy, medications, exercise, finding laughter and the like…but is there anyone who has a new or solid tested ‘cure’ in dispelling serious grief, profound sadness, intense sorrow or long suffering broken-heartedness? I do carry a lot of guilt myself in the way that I could have done a lot differently in my life and saved a lot of heartache for myself and others. But this question arises out of a desire to help others, too.

A. Many people who stay grieving for an unduly long time are likely to be reacting to a lot of guilt they feel and have no way of overcoming, and so grieving endlessly makes up for that feeling of impotence in resolving that guilt. Time heals every pain because we are on a journey and everything is designed to help our development on that journey. It means whatever happens to us, we have to move on from it because life has to go on. We cannot be stuck in that time frame forever, otherwise we take our life for granted, we take every blessing we have for granted and we wouldn’t really have any future.

Yet, in view of the fact that nothing in life is guaranteed, we have to make use of each moment fully. Allowing grief to overtake us on and on simply robs us of a life when we should be celebrating that person’s life with joy, not just focusing on their death. In other words: “Smile, because they lived, not cry because they died.” We all have to die at some point and the only way we can truly appreciate life is to grieve for someone and move swiftly along to celebrate their presence, not get mired in negative thoughts which make us feel even worse, yet doesn’t bring them back.

As to your statement that you feel some guilt about your past because you could have done things differently. That is rather sad, yet avoidable. You are using hindsight, and the new you NOW, to judge that person back there which never serves any purpose. If you could have done anything differently, you would have done it. You acted the only way you did then because you felt that was the only way you could express yourself or draw attention to you at the time. You did not have the maturity, information, vision, knowledge or experience that you have now. So it is pointless ever looking backwards and blaming the younger you with your older self. It is not only unfair, but a pretty futile exercise.

The best way to cope with an unhappy past is simply to learn from it and endeavour to improve on it. Otherwise the guilt becomes a kind of unmoving morass; a means of beating yourself up without really changing anything in the long run, except to get stuck in that guilt. I always remember that the past is for reference, not for residence, and leave it right where it is because it only exists inside our heads, nowhere else.
The best way to cope with grief is to grieve as much as one wishes, but for as brief a time as possible, and celebrate for as long as possible. It then puts things in a much better perspective while allowing yourself to move on with fond memories of the loved one.

No, I couldn’t do it at all, no matter how guilty they were and even if they had harmed a love one. I wouldn’t want to do it either, because I am one of those who do not believe that evil cures evil. I believe that love and positivity affect people’s actions far more than revenge or cruelty. We tend to treat behaviour as the actual personality,solid and unchanging. But though one’s personality tends to be fixed, a person can always change their behaviour with education, experience, empathy, compassion, understanding and, above all, being treated with value.

Sometimes if we channel their energies into other aspects of life, we can also get the positive results we seek. The reason why we have so much crime and re-offending is because the emphasis is on punishment in society instead of educating and rehabilitating. Of course, once the term is served, the prisoner is then back out in society, disjointed from family, friends and job, with nothing worthwhile to do, perhaps nowhere to live and, more likely, with very little money, then expected to pick up where they left off and lead a decent life. But that is very difficult in many cases where people lack the basic emotional, physical and material resources to help themselves.

For long-term prisoners, getting their life back on an even keel must be so hard, after years of being at the state’s disposal and having everything provided for them in a secure environment. No wonder the temptation is there to re-offend so as to get things as they were.

I think in certain murder cases, especially where it has been deliberate and planned, the person should be executed too. And I would probably be prepared to push the switch, even if it were for a woman. So gender wouldn’t make any difference. But I have to say that many people who bay for the blood of others would baulk at carrying out the sentence themselves if they were required to do it because it is obviously better for someone else to do the messy work.

In the end, I guess if someone did something to our loved one, we could be barbaric in our reaction towards them. However, I guess if, like jury service, we all had to do that gruesome punishment we are calling for, at some time in our lives, it might make us think twice about what we wish to happen to others in our justice system and might even lead to more effective long-term solutions.

Some of us might die young, but the majority ages. I have to agree with that quote because getting older for me is more important than dying early. I LOVE ageing, and must be the only woman on earth currently enjoying being 60. My latest pics are posted in a recent article on Newsvine (Reasons to be Cheerful).

We age inside our head first through the quality of our thoughts and our body follows. So if we dread ageing, dread our natural evolution, and fear everything to do with advancing gracefully, or disgracefully, we will age very badly, because we cannot get positivity out of negative thoughts. You will get exactly what you think about, so be careful what you dwell on. Many people don’t enjoy the ageing process because they are so busy worrying about getting old, and fearing it, they have no time to appreciate their life in all its amazing forms. But one important thing to note is this: Dead people don’t age. So if you are still alive (one of my sisters died at 36, and both my parents are dead) PLEASE give thanks and appreciate it. Life is not a guarantee, it is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.

So which would you prefer, to be dead or to age? It really is about giving thanks for the life we already have and appreciating the awesome beings we are, rather than just focusing on the perceived negatives of it and being continuously unhappy. We really miss so much of life and our true potential with such a narrow focus. Life goes in a strict cycle. There is birth, growth, maturity, ageing and then we die. That was the deal when we were born, take it or leave it. Many don’t even make it past 40 years and, even worse, young men have the highest suicide rate between ages 24 and 25 in Britain. The best we can do about that gift of life is to appreciate it fully, make the most of each day and leave a legacy for others, rather than merely worrying about ourselves in a selfish way.

Life is a joy and, perhaps because I have a life-threatening illness, I can’t afford the time (or luxury) to worry about getting older. I am just so glad to be still here each morning when I wake up and I am above ground, the feeling is tremendous!

There is no such thing as one person being right in how they believe because belief is based on sheer perception, and perception is dictated by culture, gender, experience and personal aspirations. Thus the ‘truth’ will be many faceted. One person’s truth is likely to be someone else’s lie, depending on our alignments. No one person has a monopoly on the ‘truth’ because it really just boils down to our knowledge of the real facts, our desire to cooperate or to blame, and our own personal agenda to be significant, to be valued and to be included in what matters to us.

To cope with their routine lives, and the aspects which overwhelm them, people tend to develop belief systems which offer them security, comfort and a degree of control and power over others and their environment, of which, for example, the idea of a heaven that rewards them, and a hell, that punishes others, are core elements. It’s the most natural thing to do for inner contentment and sense of power. Such belief systems expand our knowledge of the world around us.

However, there is a difference between sharing that knowledge and imparting it with mutual respect than imposing that knowledge, whether that person wants to adhere to it or not. If we believe we are each responsible for our lives, then advising someone of the risks to themselves is permissible, and then leaving them to deal with those risks in their own way. However, coercing them into action, or damning them because they resist, is certainly not ’sharing’ in the true sense of the word. Every person has to be allowed to experience life in their own way, not in ours.

Thus anyone who prefers to start with assumptions about someone in their bid to prove anything merely appears self-righteous and all-knowing while losing credibility before they have even begun. For example, credit controllers etc., tend to make assumptions about people and money. But I do not believe there is any correlation between financial management and other life factors, except that people who manage their money well tend to be either financially savvy, adept at dealing with figures, more careful in that regard than others or are just good controllers. We can’t all be good at everything and so we individually have our strong points. Handling money has never been mine, no matter how good I have been with words, so I have quietly accepted it and done my best!

Does that make me less of a person than the next one? That would be up to you to decide, depending on your own beliefs and ready assumptions.

It is always easy to judge in stereotypes because it is quicker to assess someone negatively than to get to know them personally and acknowledge their individuality in a positive manner.

No one has that right. We are either ruled by the law, or we are not. Once anyone takes the law into their own hands and does what he/she likes, with the blessing of everyone else, we have sunken beyond animal levels. It becomes a free for all, the strong brutalising the weak.

Take the example of the man who buggered his stepson with a tool handle in revenge for him raping his half-sister. What makes this man any less of a
criminal than the stepson he was hurting? What makes him less brutal than the stepson? What makes him any different if he can quietly and calmly plan and execute that on someone? That young man clearly needed psychological help, not revenge. Changing his life so that he doesn’t repeat that awful act should be more important than damning him forever. Otherwise we will simply get more of the same. The answer is to try to change the law, or protest about it, not become judge and jury ourselves. The law cannot apply to some and not to others.

It is not an eye for an eye that let’s us retain our sight. It’s love, education and forgiveness. Given America’s history of hangings, lynchings and swift justice, and the consequences of those, one would have thought it would have learnt something from them by now. They weren’t the answer then, and they are not the answer now. Two wrongs NEVER make a right. It is easy to bay for someone’s blood when it has nothing to do with us, but it would be an entirely different thing if the teenager were related to us.

When we are angry and mad at someone, where do we stop short in that justice? That boy could have died later from the effects of what was done to him. It all depends on a person’s capacity to bear such actions. Everyone is different. And what would have happened then? Both the father and the brother would have been gone, devastating the whole family in the process. People also forget the psychological effect on that poor girl, not only of the rape, but she will mistakenly continue to believe, for a long time to come, that she was responsible for what happened to both her brother and her Dad. I think she could have done without that as well.

If we are going to start deciding what punishment everyone should have for any crime we don’t like, and also do it ourselves, given the chance, why do we need any kind of laws? We might as well go back to the caveman days of everyone for himself. Some of the chilling comments I heard around the case showed that we have hardly evolved through the centuries, despite our so-called education and innovations. We are still back there somewhere, living by a lawless code to suit ourselves when we feel like it, yet expecting some kind of law to work for us when we are in need of it.

We really cannot have it both ways. Using violence against another doesn’t make anyone into a man/woman. That’s the mark of a coward taking out their feelings of inadequacy on another equally helpless person simply to feel self righteous. It solves nothing at all in the end except the sad destruction of everyone involved.

There is a lot of sensitivity around racism because many people do not understand the word, or the nature of it, so everything they do not like rapidly becomes racist in their terms. It is also a question of power. If people feel they have power only when they are crying foul, or when they feel superior to others, they will look for ways and means to continue getting that power, or to stop themselves feeling weak and impotent. Racism then comes in handy as a crutch to use against others.

People’s perception of others appears to be entirely dictated by the amount of fear they feel towards that person or group, and the confidence they feel in themselves. Those who feel the most fear and sense of injustice are likely to complain about anything they perceive to be in someone else’s favour, even when there is no racist intention - either that they are not getting enough, or others less worthy are getting too much. Others who have less fear do not feel so vulnerable or put upon, their deep sense of self and appreciation allows them to be more empathetic towards the needs of others.

Whether we are prepared at any time to accept someone by their own preferred definition, when it comes to colour, or perceive them in racist ways to match our prejudices, is entirely down to us and our influences. Perception is the biggest social definition of who we are and wish to be. With racism an inherent part of any mixed society, black being seen as negative and white being all right, any person not conforming to the white powerful majority will always be exposed to that covert racism, in one form or another, whether they like it or not, simply through the ‘threat’ associated with them in the biased perception of others and their fear of difference.

Every aspect of us makes us into what we are, whether it is colour, culture, gender, religion etc. No aspect of difference can be ignored at any time, but we should move beyond it to seek similarities. We cannot be ‘colour-blind’ or ‘gender-blind’ etc., otherwise it means we are only seeing in one colour or gender: ours. We can afford not to notice colour when it is suitably detached from us, and presents no threat, but it is remarkable how quickly colour comes to the forefront with much fear when we are suddenly faced with it on a personal level that affects our lives or our family (like someone of a different colour wanting to marry our son/daughter). We are certainly not blind to it then.

Sensitivity to racism is thus highly individual depending on one’s experience, confidence and beliefs. It is a matter of personal understanding about racism - what makes something racist - coupled with the impotence and insecurity one feels, which propel one to see racist acts where none might actually exist.