Ms Cyprah

Q. I wonder if anyone has any great ideas regarding the handling of very serious grieving that has gone on for a long time and has damaged the person? Everyone knows of support groups, therapy, medications, exercise, finding laughter and the like…but is there anyone who has a new or solid tested ‘cure’ in dispelling serious grief, profound sadness, intense sorrow or long suffering broken-heartedness? I do carry a lot of guilt myself in the way that I could have done a lot differently in my life and saved a lot of heartache for myself and others. But this question arises out of a desire to help others, too.

A. Many people who stay grieving for an unduly long time are likely to be reacting to a lot of guilt they feel and have no way of overcoming, and so grieving endlessly makes up for that feeling of impotence in resolving that guilt. Time heals every pain because we are on a journey and everything is designed to help our development on that journey. It means whatever happens to us, we have to move on from it because life has to go on. We cannot be stuck in that time frame forever, otherwise we take our life for granted, we take every blessing we have for granted and we wouldn’t really have any future.

Yet, in view of the fact that nothing in life is guaranteed, we have to make use of each moment fully. Allowing grief to overtake us on and on simply robs us of a life when we should be celebrating that person’s life with joy, not just focusing on their death. In other words: “Smile, because they lived, not cry because they died.” We all have to die at some point and the only way we can truly appreciate life is to grieve for someone and move swiftly along to celebrate their presence, not get mired in negative thoughts which make us feel even worse, yet doesn’t bring them back.

As to your statement that you feel some guilt about your past because you could have done things differently. That is rather sad, yet avoidable. You are using hindsight, and the new you NOW, to judge that person back there which never serves any purpose. If you could have done anything differently, you would have done it. You acted the only way you did then because you felt that was the only way you could express yourself or draw attention to you at the time. You did not have the maturity, information, vision, knowledge or experience that you have now. So it is pointless ever looking backwards and blaming the younger you with your older self. It is not only unfair, but a pretty futile exercise.

The best way to cope with an unhappy past is simply to learn from it and endeavour to improve on it. Otherwise the guilt becomes a kind of unmoving morass; a means of beating yourself up without really changing anything in the long run, except to get stuck in that guilt. I always remember that the past is for reference, not for residence, and leave it right where it is because it only exists inside our heads, nowhere else.
The best way to cope with grief is to grieve as much as one wishes, but for as brief a time as possible, and celebrate for as long as possible. It then puts things in a much better perspective while allowing yourself to move on with fond memories of the loved one.