Ms Cyprah

Q. I wonder if anyone has any great ideas regarding the handling of very serious grieving that has gone on for a long time and has damaged the person? Everyone knows of support groups, therapy, medications, exercise, finding laughter and the like…but is there anyone who has a new or solid tested ‘cure’ in dispelling serious grief, profound sadness, intense sorrow or long suffering broken-heartedness? I do carry a lot of guilt myself in the way that I could have done a lot differently in my life and saved a lot of heartache for myself and others. But this question arises out of a desire to help others, too.

A. Many people who stay grieving for an unduly long time are likely to be reacting to a lot of guilt they feel and have no way of overcoming, and so grieving endlessly makes up for that feeling of impotence in resolving that guilt. Time heals every pain because we are on a journey and everything is designed to help our development on that journey. It means whatever happens to us, we have to move on from it because life has to go on. We cannot be stuck in that time frame forever, otherwise we take our life for granted, we take every blessing we have for granted and we wouldn’t really have any future.

Yet, in view of the fact that nothing in life is guaranteed, we have to make use of each moment fully. Allowing grief to overtake us on and on simply robs us of a life when we should be celebrating that person’s life with joy, not just focusing on their death. In other words: “Smile, because they lived, not cry because they died.” We all have to die at some point and the only way we can truly appreciate life is to grieve for someone and move swiftly along to celebrate their presence, not get mired in negative thoughts which make us feel even worse, yet doesn’t bring them back.

As to your statement that you feel some guilt about your past because you could have done things differently. That is rather sad, yet avoidable. You are using hindsight, and the new you NOW, to judge that person back there which never serves any purpose. If you could have done anything differently, you would have done it. You acted the only way you did then because you felt that was the only way you could express yourself or draw attention to you at the time. You did not have the maturity, information, vision, knowledge or experience that you have now. So it is pointless ever looking backwards and blaming the younger you with your older self. It is not only unfair, but a pretty futile exercise.

The best way to cope with an unhappy past is simply to learn from it and endeavour to improve on it. Otherwise the guilt becomes a kind of unmoving morass; a means of beating yourself up without really changing anything in the long run, except to get stuck in that guilt. I always remember that the past is for reference, not for residence, and leave it right where it is because it only exists inside our heads, nowhere else.
The best way to cope with grief is to grieve as much as one wishes, but for as brief a time as possible, and celebrate for as long as possible. It then puts things in a much better perspective while allowing yourself to move on with fond memories of the loved one.

Some of us might die young, but the majority ages. I have to agree with that quote because getting older for me is more important than dying early. I LOVE ageing, and must be the only woman on earth currently enjoying being 60. My latest pics are posted in a recent article on Newsvine (Reasons to be Cheerful).

We age inside our head first through the quality of our thoughts and our body follows. So if we dread ageing, dread our natural evolution, and fear everything to do with advancing gracefully, or disgracefully, we will age very badly, because we cannot get positivity out of negative thoughts. You will get exactly what you think about, so be careful what you dwell on. Many people don’t enjoy the ageing process because they are so busy worrying about getting old, and fearing it, they have no time to appreciate their life in all its amazing forms. But one important thing to note is this: Dead people don’t age. So if you are still alive (one of my sisters died at 36, and both my parents are dead) PLEASE give thanks and appreciate it. Life is not a guarantee, it is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.

So which would you prefer, to be dead or to age? It really is about giving thanks for the life we already have and appreciating the awesome beings we are, rather than just focusing on the perceived negatives of it and being continuously unhappy. We really miss so much of life and our true potential with such a narrow focus. Life goes in a strict cycle. There is birth, growth, maturity, ageing and then we die. That was the deal when we were born, take it or leave it. Many don’t even make it past 40 years and, even worse, young men have the highest suicide rate between ages 24 and 25 in Britain. The best we can do about that gift of life is to appreciate it fully, make the most of each day and leave a legacy for others, rather than merely worrying about ourselves in a selfish way.

Life is a joy and, perhaps because I have a life-threatening illness, I can’t afford the time (or luxury) to worry about getting older. I am just so glad to be still here each morning when I wake up and I am above ground, the feeling is tremendous!

There is a lot of sensitivity around racism because many people do not understand the word, or the nature of it, so everything they do not like rapidly becomes racist in their terms. It is also a question of power. If people feel they have power only when they are crying foul, or when they feel superior to others, they will look for ways and means to continue getting that power, or to stop themselves feeling weak and impotent. Racism then comes in handy as a crutch to use against others.

People’s perception of others appears to be entirely dictated by the amount of fear they feel towards that person or group, and the confidence they feel in themselves. Those who feel the most fear and sense of injustice are likely to complain about anything they perceive to be in someone else’s favour, even when there is no racist intention - either that they are not getting enough, or others less worthy are getting too much. Others who have less fear do not feel so vulnerable or put upon, their deep sense of self and appreciation allows them to be more empathetic towards the needs of others.

Whether we are prepared at any time to accept someone by their own preferred definition, when it comes to colour, or perceive them in racist ways to match our prejudices, is entirely down to us and our influences. Perception is the biggest social definition of who we are and wish to be. With racism an inherent part of any mixed society, black being seen as negative and white being all right, any person not conforming to the white powerful majority will always be exposed to that covert racism, in one form or another, whether they like it or not, simply through the ‘threat’ associated with them in the biased perception of others and their fear of difference.

Every aspect of us makes us into what we are, whether it is colour, culture, gender, religion etc. No aspect of difference can be ignored at any time, but we should move beyond it to seek similarities. We cannot be ‘colour-blind’ or ‘gender-blind’ etc., otherwise it means we are only seeing in one colour or gender: ours. We can afford not to notice colour when it is suitably detached from us, and presents no threat, but it is remarkable how quickly colour comes to the forefront with much fear when we are suddenly faced with it on a personal level that affects our lives or our family (like someone of a different colour wanting to marry our son/daughter). We are certainly not blind to it then.

Sensitivity to racism is thus highly individual depending on one’s experience, confidence and beliefs. It is a matter of personal understanding about racism - what makes something racist - coupled with the impotence and insecurity one feels, which propel one to see racist acts where none might actually exist.